Thursday, June 27, 2013

Putting it out there with hope...

Two weeks ago two things happened - I received an internship at a well known start up home brewing supplies company, and my very good, understanding, competent therapist ended his residency and moved on to a program for which I do not qualify. I elected not to take up another therapist because I don't really like therapy. The only reason I went to this guy is because our first meeting was excellent and throughout our sessions he continued to have all the above mentioned qualities. I usually find therapists judgmental, and I have no interest in "trying out" anyone new, just to be disappointed again and again.

Unfortunately, it's been so long since I've had a stressful change that I forgot that change is my trigger. So, last week, after the second day at my new internship, all the anxiety and depression that's been happily gone from my life for a very long time suddenly appeared again. It's not that the job is especially stressful, it's a lot of writing and a lot of learning about subjects that I enjoy. In fact, it's quite fantastic. I've been waiting for an opportunity like this for a long time. It's just a change. A big change. Socially, I always feel a bit out of place, and the fact that I'm a 32 year old intern working with a group of people who are all much younger than me (other interns and the staff alike) doesn't help. It's a big shock to find out all the confidence and intelligence I thought I had is all just from an overly comfortable, non-challenging existence.

Adrian says this is pretty common when I start a new job and that I'll be fine. I believe him, it's just the transition is really hard, and it's a bit painful and frustrating. Most days I can pick myself up off the floor for the most part, but there's an underlying feeling inside me that is just not good. I'm oversleeping, I don't want to write, I don't want to leave the apartment, take Chunk for walks, work out, anything. It's not even that I'm sad, just empty. I want to drink, I want to eat copious amounts of chocolate. I want to curl up on the bed and just lie there. I hate feeling like this, and I can't quite punch a hole in it and pull myself out.

It's in these moments that I wish I'd had an appointment yesterday to talk about everything. I guess maybe that's why I've written this post. One of the things I learned in therapy is that when I admit to something, when I put it out there, things feel a little better. I'm hoping that by writing this post maybe the emptiness will break apart and I'll find a way out.

Fingers crossed.

3 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you're going through this, Jess. Keep fighting and remember that depression lies. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. <3

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  2. Hope everything works out for you.

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  3. "It's not even that I'm sad, just empty. I want to drink, I want to eat copious amounts of chocolate. I want to curl up on the bed and just lie there. I hate feeling like this, and I can't quite punch a hole in it and pull myself out."

    Exactly that. I also have no idea how to overcome it. I just know, eventually I do. Then, every time I think I'm good-to-go, and that I won't have to deal with it again, after a time, something else triggers it; and I dance the dance all over again. Adrian is not the only who knows you'll be fine. You have a huge group of people, who knows you are a strong, amazing, talented, phenomenal woman, who are here for you. Even if it's wheelbarrow in whiskey and Dove bars for a bit, and stand by your side through the fight.

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